Friday, January 26, 2007

The Wide World of Rich, Paralyzed Iraqis, Part I

The title sucks you in. I know it does.

A few weeks ago, our band account received an urgent email from one Ms. Fareeza Hayat, an Iraqi widow in dire need of help. "I feel sorry for bordering you at this time," Ms. Fareeza wrote, "since we have not met orknown each other before, but I beg you in the name of almighty allah, tohave patience and listen to me." I I did, in fact, listen closely to her email, and it turned out that Ms. Fareeza in fact needed very badly to transfer $22.5 million of United States Dollars into someone else's bank account. Could we, this poor hip-hop band from Boston, help her? Maybe, if we were willing to pay a small transfer fee.

She continued:

"Yes America and its allies have enthrone democracy in Iraq, but can wesustain it, the weakness of the Arabic leaderships is shameful and distressing. And they do not feel ashamed of themselves, with their negativity that insulted this nation's dignity, and led it to the lowest level. Anyway I am saying this thing for you to understand the feeling of an average Iraqi on the street and the reason most of us who have the opportunity are doing this kind of thing. Ask an Iraqi boy on the street are you Iraqi?He will say no, I am Sunni, Shi'ite orKurdish, he will not mention Iraq. Worst of this is the obnoxious kurdish tradition which strips the womam of all her husband's wealth and transfer it to the brothers of the man when the man dies, that is my situation here."

Needless to say, my heartstrings had been expertly tugged. However, me being the greedy bastard that I am, I decided that I would create a new email account and answer to this poor woman so as to keep all of the riches to myself. I decided to christen myself Johnny Faux and wrote her the following response:

OMG when I saw your email I was all OMG I need to help this woman. Anything I can do to help the plight of your people I must do. For realz. Don't worry, you weren't bordering me at all. In fact, you border Iran. HAHA! If you don't get it, don't worry, it was just a little English mistake that you made. Or a geography mistake. Nothing serious. I totally understood what you were trying to say, I think.

Anyway, yeah, I have like 4 Swiss bank accounts, so this should work out fine. Which one do you want tosend the money to? I can just give you the access number, or if you like, we can meet up somewhere and I can hand you an envelope full of money. Does that sound good?

I only ask one small favor in return. When I hand over the money to you, I want you to dress like a cheerleader and call me "coach."

Okay, hope to talk to you soon!


Would Ms. Fareeza reply? Was she all right? Did she or whomever sent out this email really, honestly think that this crap was going to work?

Stay tuned for Part II.


the friend said...

I seriously doubt the veracity of this blog post. Iraqis, as a whole, probably speak/write better English than most Americans.

Why don't you write something actually worth reading about the Iraqi conflict. Everyone who reads this blog knows you have the intelligence and writing ability.

Anonymous said...

To The Friend:

How can you take such a bullshit email scam so seriously? This has nothing to do with Abe's views on the Iraqi conflict, it has to do with taking the asshole spam email scammers and giving them a taste of their own medicine or atleast think that they have actually fooled someone.

Just because someone has a high intelligence and writing ability doesn't mean they can have fun and just fuck around. Not everything written by somone who you regognize to have such superior writing abilites has to impress you every single time.

If you knew him well enough you'd realize that his sarcasm is way more fun to read then his "intellectual writing abilities".

the friend said...

I, too, was being sarcastic. I actually laughed when I read this post, which I think means that I enjoyed it.

Thanks for sniffing out the bullshit for me though, because for a second I thought the email thread depicted was a complete fabrication.