Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Air Bud

Do you think that the producers of the Air Bud movies pick the sports that Air Bud plays based on his relative skill in the sport or whether or not they can make a dog-related pun out of the title (i.e., Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch)?

There are lots of highly-paid people making these decisions. It would be interesting to know what goes into their thought processes.

I think that given the recent surge of interest in poker, high-stakes gambling, and the like, Air Bud's handlers would be smart to make a movie about Air Bud counting cards at a casino or something. Some sort of Rainman-esque thing.

The title? You guessed it. Air Bud Craps All Over the Casino Floor.

That is all.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


from a article about the couple (a prison security guard and her felon husband) who escaped from jail a few days ago:

Cab driver Mike Wagers, 33, said he didn't realize he had picked up the fugitives until he was alerted to TV reports later that evening.

He said his suspicions weren't aroused by anything the couple said, except that they didn't try to aggressively recruit him after telling him they were Amway salespeople.

"You know, Amway people are all about Amway, and when they didn't -- when they didn't try any conversation further about it, that's when I pretty much thought, well, they're not with Amway," Wagers said.

Thanks, Amway. Now get started on the Struggle Against Violent Extremism like we asked you to a week ago.

Friday, August 05, 2005

National Insecurity

Security guards at North Station are working for the terrorists. I'm serious. It's not on purpose; rather, it's more like how the pot smokers in those terrible anti-drug commercials are working for the terrorists, except true. Story:

Sunday morning, 8:30ish. I am sitting in beautiful North Station waiting to take the commuter rail out to Phil's house, where I will eventually nail two tracks destined for my solo album. Around 70 people at the station. No trains on the platforms. I am hung over.

As I sit on a bench in the lobby trying to choke down a dry Dunkin' Donuts bagel bu drowning it in iced coffee, I spot one security guard with a puzzled look on his face talking into his walkie-talkie to another security guard. Let me note here that his badge looked like one of those Junior Police Officer badges that they used to give away in elementary school. Here are the snippets of walkie-talkie conversation to which I am privy:

"We have an unattended bag on the platform..."

"...don't know what is inside."


"Bring it inside."


And they do. They bring the goddamned unattended bag inside the station and set it roughly 3 feet in front of my face. More conversation snippets:

"Do you know what it is?"

"...I don't know."

"Open it."


Yes, "Open it." And they do. Right in front of me. There are clothes in it. In accordance with homeland security training techniques, the highly trained security officers POKE THE CLOTHES WITH THEIR WALKIE-TALKIES. I feel safe.

Do I have to comment any more on how ridiculous this is? Moving a potentially hazardous bag from an empty train platform into a lobby? I don't. So I won't.

It's not that I'm scared of terrorists, but if I were one, and I read this, I would die laughing.

Now THAT'S homeland security.

And THAT (above) is a bad punchline.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

"Weekend at Bernie's," the beginnings.

Transcript of the meeting in which "Weekend at Bernie's" was conceptualized:

Executive One: Know what's funny?
Executive Two: What?
Executive One: Corpses.
Executive Two: I'm listening...
Executive One: Oh... well, that's all I was saying, that corpses were funny.
Executive Two: We are prepared to offer you $50 million for your idea.
Executive One: But I don't even have a script...
Executive Two: $60 million
Executive One: ...
Executive Two: Production starts next week.