Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Wide World of Rich, Paralyzed Iraqis, Part II

Before I continue with this thread, I would like to address a comment made on my previous post by a reader/visitor who identifies as "the friend." First,

"Iraqis, as a whole, probably speak/write better English than most Americans."

No. No they do not.

Second,

"Why don't you write something actually worth reading about the Iraqi conflict. Everyone who reads this blog knows you have the intelligence and writing ability. "

This is probably more accurate, although given the scammer's hilariously obvious attempts at deceiving me, we can hardly take his/her nationality as a cold, hard fact. Chances are the person was posing as an Iraqi in an attempt to find a soft spot in some idiot web neophyte who thinks that AOL is the internet. What I'm saying is that the Iraqiness of the person is incidental. Let's all just sit back for a moment, clear our heads, and realize that slipping tasteless puns and obnoxious jokes past non-native Enlglish speakers who are clearly engaged in acts of deception and thievery, while certainly sophomoric, is also kind of fun.

Whatever the case, whoever jumped to my defense could have been a little more polite.

On with the story:

She responded. And I was all,

O.
M.
G.

The response in itself was nothing special. It seemed to me to be a previously written response. It did, however, contain some serious gems:

"Thanks in appreciation of your desire to help me out of this situation, I am ready to accept any aggreement towards this project provided you do not betray me. However you have to assure me of your trusthworthiness as my situation here is critical, my son is just 15 years, not old enough to take decision, so ia relying in you."

Wait... you have a son?

"I think you have built confidence in me that I shall be glad to tell you that i paid the company for the transfer, if any money is to be paid, let me know. The said money is 100 dollar denomination,wraped with foils from Central Bank Badhdad in a 100 x 80 x 100 cm dark coloured formaica box (consignment) with diplomatic sticker attached to it. Toltal amount 22.5 million dollars."

Yes, over our long friendship of one spam email and two replies, we have certainly built confidence in one another. I agree. Let's send each other money!

Then she said some crap about having to move the money to Europe or something. This was probably where the whole transfer fee thing would come into play. There was no doubt about it - I was being expertly scammed.

So I replied:

Hello Fareeza

What a relief! I thought that you had died or something! That would have sucked big time, because I'm so goddamned eager to help!

How is the weather in Iraq? It's cold here, but the winter hasn't been quite as cold as it usually is. I think it's El Nino, but people around here are getting their panties all in a bunch about global warming. What do you think? Is it warmer than usual over there? Can you even tell? Haha if I were you I would use some of that money to get an aboveground pool. They're mad cheap. Once we safely execute this transfer (haha! execute! pun alert!) you should be able to afford that.

Also, I cannot be sure about this transaction unless I see a picture of you. I can tell a lot about a person by the way that they look. You had better be pretty! Haha just kidding but seriously don't be too fat.

I hope to hear from you soon. Peace in the Middle East (haha they used to say that in the 80s, it's kind of funny now, isn't it?)

Johnny

Next: Fareeza starts to get frustrated.

One last thing. How is the formatting for this? Is the text too small, or too gray? I'm trying desperately to distinguish the emails from my own commentary without hundreds of colors and such. Let me know.

4 comments:

the friend said...

The text is too small. Maybe you can just keep all the text the same size, bold the email, and then leave your commentary unbolded.

Also: "the Iraqiness of the person is incidental." HAHA. I have to go pee now (in my diaper).

The Indefinite Article said...

There, my friend. I went with Courier. I think it worked. What do you think?

the friend said...

Jesus Christ. Courier is pretty much my second to least favorite font. But it is easier on the eyse.

Fried said...

Hilarious.