Happy Valentine's Day Newsletter!

Happy February!

What a hot, steaming mess of a world we live in.

In case you were sleeping under a rock, some extremely extreme stuff happened since my last e-communique, including:

the Mooninites attacking Boston,

Boston overreacting,

and Mayor Menino looking like a complete dong by encouraging Bostoninans to boycott the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie.

Say what you want about the advertising campaign, the notable absence of decorum of the people who put up the ATHF ads, and/or the fraught-with-peril world of post-9/11 paranoia in which we live; Mayor Menino’s call to boycott the movie is a shining beacon of how out of touch he is with the 18-to-30 demographic. Perhaps it even illustrates the extent of our own political irrelevance.

Menino isn’t stupid. At least I hope he isn’t. Stupid or not, his choice to use this issue to erect a political grandstand in front of the monthly AARP meet-and-greet at the Old Country Buffet casts a blinding light on who fluffs his mayoral pillow. We might ask ourselves why he hasn’t addressed the under-30s (read: the people who think that this whole thing is a joke) at all on this issue. Is it because we’re a habitually disengaged set that would rather laugh at the irony of the situation than address its implications?

Yes, it is. That’s why.

This is a world that our generation is getting ready to inherit, whether we like it or not, and our elected officials are treating us like my parents did when The Simpsons first aired because they were afraid that Bart’s propensity to question authority would infect me with a serious case of sass-mouth.

So, loyal newsletter readers, let us come together as one and show the world we mean business by getting rip-roaringly mind-altered and watching pirated versions of the ATHF movie as soon as they are available on Bittorrent. Viva la revolucion!

THE OUTLINE

I. This Saturday @ The Middle East!
II. New Content on Da Blog
III. WBCN Rumble!
IV. Shows
V. Sponsorships
VI. Cool New Website to Track Bands
VII. Valentines
VIII. Adieu

I. This Saturday @ The Middle East!

Come rock out for our first Boston show in months this Saturday, February 17, Upstairs at The Middle East in Cambridge. The show is 18+ and tickets are $10. This is the first show that we have ever hosted without a promoter, so it’s a big deal for us. You can order tickets directly from The Middle East’s website, off of our myspace page (click on the ticket below our schedule), or directly from the band (email us). Doors open at 8:30, we’re on at 11, and the support acts are going to be fantastic.

II. New Content on Da Blog.

I told you that I would start writing again, and I have. For those of you who enjoy my verbose, disconnected musings, the homepage is http://www.indef-art.blogspot.com/. Most recently, I spent a few weeks messing with an internet scammer from Iraq. I’m still writing up the entire exchange, but you can read the first five parts by clicking these links. Click for parts, I, II, III, and IV.

Click here to read the newsletter on the blog, create a feedback loop on the internet, and make the e-niverse collapse on itself.

Next month, we’ll feature new selections from our YouTube account (username “theindefinitearticle“), through which we will share funny (read: drunk) clips from the road and grainy cell phone videos of our live performances.

III. WBCN Rumble!

It won't be rolled out to the press until February 25, so you heard it here first: we have been officially invited to participate in the WBCN Rock and Roll Rumble! This a battle-royale-of-the-bands is a premier launching pad for rising Boston acts (Dresden Dolls won in 2004) and is set up like Emergenza on amphetamines. Whereas we paid an entrance fee for Emergenza and it lasted roughly 6 years, the BCN Rumble treats bands like they actually know how to plug their cord-thingies into their own amplifying-machines and lasts a merciful 3 weeks. It's going to be a fun time.

The dates of the Rumble are from April 1 to April 20 (yes, April Fool’s Day to National Pink Floyd Awareness Day). We will play 3 rounds during this time. The first round will be some date between April 1 and April 7; the second round will be either April 13 or 14; and the finals will be on April 20. All shows will be at Harper’s Ferry in Allston.

Once we get ticket sale info, we will figure out a 3-shows-for-1 price break for you guys, because we love you.

We look forward to mopping the floor with the competition.

IV. Shows

Please read this. You have no idea how tedious it is for me to type all of these shows out. Our complete and updated schedule is always available at www.myspace.com/theindefinitearticle.

Friday, February 16
Bangkok Paradise
90 Washington Street, Salem MA
21+, free
IA plays 10pm-12:30am

Saturday, February 17
Middle East Upstairs
w/ Baldi and the Suburban Graffiti and The Alchemystics. Hosted by AVI.
492 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge MA
18+, $10 adv/doors
doors 8:30pm, IA plays 11:30-close

Thursday, February 22
Nectar’s
188 Main Street, Burlington VT
21+, free
IA plays 11pm-2am

Friday-Saturday, February 23-24
Sugarbush Mountain
Warren, VT
email band for details

Thursday, March 1
The Blackburn
2 Main Street, Gloucester MA
21+, free
IA plays 9:30-12:30

Friday, March 2
The Beachcomber
797 Quincy Shore Drive, Quincy MA
21+
IA plays 9:30-12:30

Saturday, March 3
Park Street Pub
40 Park Street, Andover MA
21+
IA plays 9:30-12:30

Friday, March 9
Maxwell’s
w/ Baldi and the Suburban Graffiti
1039 Washington Street, Hoboken NJ
all ages, door TBA
doors 8pm, IA plays 9pm

Saturday, March 10
The Santa Fe
w/ Lionize
4410 Knox Rd, College Park MD
info TBA

More shows:
Thu March 22 – The Blackburn, Gloucester MA
Fri March 23 – Tammany Hall, Worcester MA
Friday March 30 – Harbor House, Gloucester MA
April 1-20 – WBCN Rock and Roll Rumble
Thursday April 19 – Bowdoin College, Brunswick ME
Friday April 20 (tentative) – Bishop’s Lounge, Northampton MA
Friday May 4 – The Santa Fe, College Park MD

V. Sponsorships

As always, we would like to thank Rockstar for keeping Brandon wired at all times. Brandon without taurine is like a horse without a carriage; he may run free, but how else are we going to make money giving haunted hayrides if we don’t actually own a horse?

Take a minute to re-read the previous paragraph. Just let it sink in.

In January, Brandon and Rick went out to NAMM, a music industry trade show of some sort, and Brandon also picked up a sponsorship from Factory Metal Percussion. Here is a YouTube video of him playing their drumset, which looks like it came from the set of The Crow.

Brandon is also supported by Silverfox Percussion.

For just the price of a cup of coffee per day, you too can sponsor a young band on their way to certain poverty.

VI. Cool New Website to Track Bands

Check out tourfilter.com. It’s a really bare-bones website that scours the internet for your favorite bands’ tour schedules. You can even program it to send you an email when bands that you really like (this band, maybe?) are coming to town. It’s really simple, devoid of advertising, and kind of fun to play around with. We’re only tracked by a few people (one of whom is me ­– username fatherabraham), so the more people that track us, the better we’ll look, and then maybe the hot chick that sits in front of us in class will finally notice us.

VII. Valentines

From Abe:

Happy Valentine’s Day, Cassie. I love you. Thanks for your love and support and for your endurance of my odd obsession with this band.

From Rick:

Bortley,
You are my sunshine and you keep me happy while the skies are grey. You inspire me, and your cheeks stay plump. I'm looking forward to the day that I won't have to sneak you through the back door... until August 14th...
Love you Britt,
Rick

From Brandon

My darling Polish lover -Happy Valentines Day! You are fabulous and all my thanks goes to you for constant support and always being there for me. Everyone who reads this newsletter (hopefully atleast a few do) should know that Eva Baldyga is a fantastic human being in every possible way. I love you! Kocham Cie! And now back to the rantings about the band...

VIII. Adieu

Gezundheit.

Best,

Father Abraham and the band

If you would like to unsubscribe, please click this link and send us an email answering the following essay prompt:

Canada is a land of contrasts. Explain.

Boston Ruins Music

Read this.

Now answer this question:

Are you fucking kidding me?

For those of you who are too lazy to click the link, here is a short synopsis:

- all under 21 live shows in Boston proper must now end at 11 pm.
- we're fucked.

I really don't know what this solves. Isn't the under-21 crowd the crowd that, at least in theory, should be the easiest to control? If the bouncers are properly trained - that is to say, if they are screening IDs, checking for overly intoxicated patrons on their way through the doors, and enforcing the drinking laws, shouldn't all of the under-21 folks out in Boston be relatively innocuous?

That aside, what really worries me is the effect that this law is going to have on the local music economy. A solid four fifths of the high profile mid-level venues in the Boston area (the venues being Bill's Bar, The Middle East, Great Scott, Harper's Ferry, and The Paradise) will be affected by this law. The only venue that will be able to throw 18+ shows, which are easily more profitable and sensible bills for the bands involved, will be The Middle East. The competition to get 18+ weekend shows at The Middle East, which is already ferocious, will be more cutthroat than we can possible imagine now. The other four venues will attempt to put on 18+ shows with early start times until they realize that no one goes to shows at 7pm, at which point they will become almost exclusively 21+ venues.

But hey, at least people will be able to ride the T home.

Worst thing about all of this is that the music crowd didn't do this. The yah-dudes did it. The baseball cap-wearing, ironed-jeans having, buttoned-down shirt-rocking douchebags who cruise Lansdowne Street at 2 am looking for fights because they're disappointed that the hours they spent at the gym doing only bench presses and bicep curls didn't make them any more adept at talking to women and who just spent $100 of their parents' hard-earned money on shitty, watered down drinks in plastic cups and who are about to drive their cars home, drunk, to their $850-a-month Commonwealth Avenue apartments; those people, those horrifying shells of people, they are sexually frustrated, so they roll with their paltry crews of similar - nay, replicant - douchebags looking for fights, and they find one on the corner of some Mass. Ave and Boylston (note: I saw this happen after our CD release show at Bill's Bar), and the fight sucks because none of these overgrown children can throw a punch to save their lives, so they both go home, faces intact, congratulating themselves on winning, pretending to be men, and ready to do it again next weekend.

And who loses? Rock and roll loses.

Which leaves me with only one question for rock and roll:

Since when did we lose to these assholes?

The Wide World of Rich, Paralyzed Iraqis, Part IV

Dear Jonny,
Please send me your direct phone number,so we can talk.
Mrs Fareeza

Uh-oh.

This was odd. A bit scary.

Let's read it again.

Dear Jonny,
Please send me your direct phone number,so we can talk.
Mrs Fareeza

But what if I don't want to?

I consulted friends and co-workers about this and we decided that giving out a work number, even Thomas' work number, would be a bad idea. So I needed a plan....

...a plan.

Plan. A plan is a part of a larger project. A project. A project is something that someone does. Does. Conjugate of "do." To do something, one needs money. Money. One can procure money from an ATM. ATM. To get money from an ATM, one much punch in one's code. That's it!

A code!

So I wrote this email:

Mrs Fareeza

I can't do that. The CIA or the FBI could be listening to us at any time, and it would be dangerous to talk over the phone about matters involving money, especially money coming from Iraq. I am starting to believe that you are trustworthy, based on your perseverance and hard work to make this happen, so I think that we can finish this transaction via email.

We need to be very careful. I have made you a new account. The address is marthaaluvsitraw@yahoo.com and the password is "prisioneroespanol". Please sign in with this information. You will be Martha, and I will be sending you a list of things to get at the store. I will be your husband. I will then email you quickly from my new account, which the Feds won't know. The email will contain the subject line "things to buy at the store." That will be me. From that point on, we will have to speak in code. Here is the code:

dollars = pounds of roast beef
escrow service = cellophane wrap
account = lettuce
10 = 4
100 = 5
22.5 milliion = 7
car = truck
cat = dog
up = down
your bank = grocery store
my bank = freezer

For instance, I will say: "Martha, please go to the grocery store and get me those 7 pounds of roast beef for the party tonight with the Haverfields. Make sure that they wrap it in cellophane before you put it in the freezer. Oh, and go uptown to pick up the cat. And make sure that she doesn't start barking as soon as she gets home."

I will mean: "Fareeza, please go to the bank and get me those 22.5 million dollars. Have the escrow service deposit it in my bank. Oh, and go downtown to pick up the dog. And make sure that she doesn't start barking as soon as she gets home."

This way, the FBI will think that we are talking only about a routine trip to the supermarket. I will email you soon once I set up these two addresses.

Also, I will be throwing in other information to throw the Feds off of our scent. Just ignore it. Only pay attention to the code.

Over and out, fellow freedom fighter!
Johnny

Mrs. Fareeza was to be Martha Anderson, regular housewife, and I was to be Sam Anderson, heavyweight bodybuilder and star astronaut. I sent this email and another "coded" email from my "secret" account (bklynbridge2007@yahoo.com - is anyone grasping the significance of these addresses/passwords?) and waited. I'll spare you the details of the coded email; it doesn't make much sense anyway. Best thing is, I was able to access Mrs. Fareeza's "secret" account at the same time, because I had created it. About 12 hours after I sent her the email, I saw that she had accessed the account and read the code, yet I received no response. So I wrote her another email:

Fareeza

I see that you did not respond to my latest message. I am beginning to doubt your sincerity in this business transaction. Could this be an elaborate joke played on me? I hope not. I was willing to help, but now I am not so sure. I hope that you can convince me otherwise, so I can help another paralyzed person and her 15 year old son with hepatitis.

Yours,
Johnny

I finally did receive a response. Hilariously, it was an email from the Martha Anderson account that I had created for Mrs. Fareeza, to the Johnny Faux account. Mrs. Fareeza had breached security! Martha and Sam Anderson would have to be summarily executed.

At this point, the joke was falling apart, because Mrs. Fareeza was completely and utterly confused. In order to allay my fears, she sent me a picture of a box of money and this document:

Thanks!, I thought. I haven't seen this yet!

So here I was, back at square one, except that Mrs. Fareeza was as confused as ever, Martha and Sam were dead, I now had two sets of official documents, and I was getting kind of bored.

What's next? Stay tuned for part V!

The Wide World of Rich, Paralyzed Iraqis, Part III

This is where things get stupid and wildly inappropriate. As if we weren't there already.

Here is Mrs. Fareeza's reply, with one of her pictures included:

Dear Jonny,
I really enjoy jokes,I just hope we can be serious in this matter. When some of us who have opportunity decide to move money overseas through unknown agents,we are not fools,Its just that we can rely on fellow Iraqis because they are the ones that will probe you tomorrow when things don't get good again.

I am sending to you my picture in the hopital now and another pic of my husband and I, 7 years ago.

Please my good friend,I want to beg here that you do not take undue advantage of me in this circumstance, I am a widow and paralysed too, I am supposed to be in London now as doctor says I shall undergo a surgical operation he calls spinal decompression. If you show good example in this business, I will introduce you to many other business, here in Iraq. Please I shall also sent to you the information your require to contact the company so that they can deliver the consignment to you.
Get back to me.

Mrs Fareeza

I started to have my doubts at this point. Clearly there did exist, somewhere in the universe, an Iraqi woman with a husband (dead or alive? who knows?) who at one time was in the hospital, possibly paralyzed but maybe not. I was feeling pretty rotten about myself and was about to stop messing with this scammer, who him/herself could have been a poor Iraqi just trying to make a buck, when I got this email:

Dear Jonny,
I send these documents to allay your fears and understand the seriuosness of this issue.
The deposit certificate was issued to my husband in Iran last year,just before his death.
The picture of the money was also taken in Iran before repackaging the money.
The small box has already been taken care of,so my concern is the big box now in Europe.

Download the documents for better viewing.
in Iraq.

She then included some gibberish numbers and the name of a director that I could contact in Iraq after she stole my money.

Included, for my pleasure, were two obvsiously authentic documents: a terrribly fake money transfer agreement something-or-other, and a picture of a box of money. If you look closely to the Deposit Certificate, you'll notice some rather awesome details, including a line that reads "Security Check Report: Okay" (whew! Good thing the Security Check went through!) and a signature that was obviously done in Microsoft Paint or some other high-tech image doctoring program.


Having been previously racked with guilt over the prospect of sticking my own salt-covered fingers into the festering, US-created open wound that is Iraq, I was newly inspired to continue being a complete jackass. So I did.


Hi Fareeza

I'm sorry if you don't like the jokes, but it is my feeling that I really need to feel like I can connect with you before making this transfer. I am a chef by day and a comedian by night, and I have always found that those who appreciate my humor are the ones that I can trust most. So, if you want this to happen, we have to spend some time getting to know each other. I really want to help, but I have to be sure.

That said, how about this one?

A freedom fighter walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, I think I know you. Where are you from, how did you get here?" The guy looks up from his beer and says "Iran and tanks." The bartender replies, "You're welcome, but you didn't tell me where you were from!"

So, did you like it? My audiences always like that joke.

Anyway, "tanks" for the picture (trying to stifle a chuckle there, sorry, I just can't concentrate sometimes). I have attached a picture of myself so you can get to know me. In a supreme coincidence that I totally forgot to mention, I am paralyzed, too. It sucks. This is a picture of me before my accident. I hope that you think that I'm attractive.

Don't worry, we will do this transfer soon. I hope that you understand that I just need to be completely sure about it. I understand that you want to move fast, but the moment needs to be just right for me.

How do they say goodbye in your language? Teach me.

Johnny

At this point, the discussion was getting pretty absurd, and I thought that Mrs. Fareeza would eventually leave me alone or try to send me a computer virus or something. Little did I know how far greed could drive a person. And little did I know how far some random crook's abject stupidity could push me. This is going to have like eight parts. I don't think I'll have enough Roman numerals for it. Stay tuned.

Of Mooninites and Morons

Taking a break from Ms. Fareeza for a second to weigh in on this morass.

Okay, so you probably already know what happened. Time Warner set up a ten city guerilla marketing campaign to promote the upcoming release of the full length movie based on the inimitable Aqua Teen Hunger Force TV series. The operative marketing tool was essentially a Lite Brite with a picture of a Mooninite on it.

Our fair city interpreted it as a terrorist attack.

And detonated the Lite Brites with a tactical bomb squad.

I want to cry.

First of all, I wanted one of those Lite Brites. Second of all, we live in the dumbest city in the world. Moving on:

Notwithstanding the idiocy of the furor over something that was the city's mistake (both Menino and Patrick are up in arms about how Time Warner should pay restitution or something for this - since when was the government never accountable for gross overreactions? Oh, yeah, sorry. Since 9/11), this situation shines a bright light (ha!) on the festering tar pit that is our culture. To wit:

- If we're detonating innocent advertising campaigns with abandon on uninformed hunches of terrorism, how many innocent people are we throwing in jail based on charges of the same non-information?

- In the same vein, how many innocent people are we detonating?

- If you were a terrorist, wouldn't you be laughing right now? I would be spewing guffaws of evil from my axis of laughter. Especially if I were a terrorist that watched ATHF. Honestly, how easy is it to paralyze this country in fear? Do we have any reason to believe that there are people in positions of power within our borders that use this their own advantage, and, at times, possibly also to the detriment of others?

- Menino is a tool. So is Patrick. Sorry, Massachusetts. As it turns out, the lesser or two evils is sometimes just plain dumb.

- Last but not least, no matter who picks up the tab for this, Time Warner and ATHF win. Remember that Simpsons Halloween special where the ads all came to life, and the only way to kill them was to not look at them? Yeah, well here's how the New York Times wrapped up their story on this event:

'''Aqua Teen Hunger Force'' is a cartoon with a cultish following that airs as part of a block of programs for adults on the Cartoon Network. A feature length film based on the show is slated for release March 23.'

In conclusion, the world is full of stupid people, and there is a good chance that you're one of them.

For your enjoyment: a terrorist quote generator.